i.5 the intuity of family
Family. The word would seem intuitive on its surface: the people related to those from whom we were born. In reality, of course, family is anything but intuitive. Conservatives we warned: you’re not going to like this post.
The concept of the nuclear family (pronounced noo-klee-er, sorry GWB) is somehow meant to draw familiar lines related to sub-atomic particles in which fundamentalist conservatives don’t even believe. There is some truth, however, that we are born into a family. Is this universal? No.
Are babies born and then abandoned considered to have a family? Biologically speaking, they must. They share DNA with at least two other people, after all. That, however, means they are related, not that they are family. In Western cultures, we often confuse the two terms or use them interchangeably. “My relatives” and “my family” are two sides of the same coin. In a recent episode of Game of Thrones, with a word from a father a son was disowned. So much for genetics.
I happen to believe that family is fluid, and anyone who argues otherwise is foolish and worthy of mockery. My own “fundamentalist” belief in family is that it begins with a name – some would call it a surname, but I call it a “family” name. When two people get married, they (traditionally) wind up with the same last name. Here I side with tradition – there should be some mechanism by which we can tell that two people are related via paper. That doesn’t mean they’re family, but that somehow they’re familial.
When two people decide to get married, or have children, or identify with others for that matter, the name is somewhat important. If we have different last names, an explanation of how we are related usually ensues. Sometimes it’s as simple as, “he’s my cousin” or as difficult as, “his great-great-grandfather was my great-great-uncle’s second cousin, once removed.” Whether or not the explanation is difficult, the statement is simple: “I consider this individual part of my family.”
The relationship aspect of things is where I consider the divide to rest. If I love someone “like a brother” am I allowed to call him family? Yes, in my world: no, according to the government. I can understand why we have laws around family – inheritance rights, property, taxes, legal issues abound. But that doesn’t mean anybody can tell me who is and is not a part of my family; that decision rests solely with me. True, others may exercise their rights to disagree with my assertion, but it doesn’t necessarily follow that my own intrinsic belief has changed.
Conversely, there is a common saying in the gay community that “he is family.” This incenses me on numerous levels. First, this is akin to saying “he has brown hair, I have brown hair – we are family.” Second, people I don’t even know (at all) claim to be familiar to me: I protest and object most strenuously.
In truth, family is comprise of the people we choose to love, regardless of bloodlines or genealogical relations. We wipe out “unrelatedness” with the words “I do” after all, and that’s two strangers (genetically speaking) suddenly becoming “related.” We’ve been doing this as a society for time immortal, and thus I encourage anyone who loves another to proclaim such people as family. Friend or family, you ask? They’re both, thank you for asking.
—familiae—
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