i.5 the intuity of family
Family. The word would seem intuitive on its surface: the people related to those from whom we were born. In reality, of course, family is anything but intuitive. Conservatives we warned: you’re not going to like this post.
The concept of the nuclear family (pronounced noo-klee-er, sorry GWB) is somehow meant to draw familiar lines related to sub-atomic particles in which fundamentalist conservatives don’t even believe. There is some truth, however, that we are born into a family. Is this universal? No.
Are babies born and then abandoned considered to have a family? Biologically speaking, they must. They share DNA with at least two other people, after all. That, however, means they are related, not that they are family. In Western cultures, we often confuse the two terms or use them interchangeably. “My relatives” and “my family” are two sides of the same coin. In a recent episode of Game of Thrones, with a word from a father a son was disowned. So much for genetics.
I happen to believe that family is fluid, and anyone who argues otherwise is foolish and worthy of mockery. My own “fundamentalist” belief in family is that it begins with a name – some would call it a surname, but I call it a “family” name. When two people get married, they (traditionally) wind up with the same last name. Here I side with tradition – there should be some mechanism by which we can tell that two people are related via paper. That doesn’t mean they’re family, but that somehow they’re familial.
When two people decide to get married, or have children, or identify with others for that matter, the name is somewhat important. If we have different last names, an explanation of how we are related usually ensues. Sometimes it’s as simple as, “he’s my cousin” or as difficult as, “his great-great-grandfather was my great-great-uncle’s second cousin, once removed.” Whether or not the explanation is difficult, the statement is simple: “I consider this individual part of my family.”
The relationship aspect of things is where I consider the divide to rest. If I love someone “like a brother” am I allowed to call him family? Yes, in my world: no, according to the government. I can understand why we have laws around family – inheritance rights, property, taxes, legal issues abound. But that doesn’t mean anybody can tell me who is and is not a part of my family; that decision rests solely with me. True, others may exercise their rights to disagree with my assertion, but it doesn’t necessarily follow that my own intrinsic belief has changed.
Conversely, there is a common saying in the gay community that “he is family.” This incenses me on numerous levels. First, this is akin to saying “he has brown hair, I have brown hair – we are family.” Second, people I don’t even know (at all) claim to be familiar to me: I protest and object most strenuously.
In truth, family is comprise of the people we choose to love, regardless of bloodlines or genealogical relations. We wipe out “unrelatedness” with the words “I do” after all, and that’s two strangers (genetically speaking) suddenly becoming “related.” We’ve been doing this as a society for time immortal, and thus I encourage anyone who loves another to proclaim such people as family. Friend or family, you ask? They’re both, thank you for asking.
—familiae—
f.6 the fluidity of love
love
One of the most peculiar words in our language is “love.” We toss it about haphazardly and oft forget its importance. “I love chocolate” or “I love this TV show” are two examples of the reckless absurdity to which we have relegated the word. Of course, in almost all instances what we mean to say is “really like” or some varying degree of liking, depending on the adverb chosen to modify “like.” But when it comes to true love, as in the emotional bond between a human and something else, we have peculiar rules that we’ve created.
- When we buy, adopt, or find a puppy (or kitten, et cetera) we are allowed to immediately love it with impunity.
- When we have children, we are not only allowed, but expected to immediately love them.
- We are expected to proclaim love for family – even family members we may not have seen in years or decades, because we love our families.
When two adults fall in love, however, warnings and cautious statements abound.
- “Don’t fall in love too quickly,” I’ve heard said.
- “You can’t love him; you’ve only known him for (insert whatever amount of meaningless time you want here)!”
- “You’re not in love; it hasn’t been long enough since your last relationship. This is a rebound feeling.”
I have to admit that all of these things are not only possible, but have indeed happened to at least one person in the history of humanity. Admittedly, I’d rather be “too quick to love” than too slow and lose the change at happiness. However, when I recently announced that I had fallen in love, one of the first things from most (not all) of people I told was, “how long have you known him?” First: I understand and appreciate the concern of others – it truly touches my heart that so many people care about me. Second: what does that have to do with how I feel?
In our hearts (the spiritual representation, not the physical manifestation) we know when we are falling for or are in love with someone. The damning thing about our Western culture is we seem to believe we need to fit it into some type of checkbox or mold before we can “validate” it to others. To state that I find this infuriating is an understatement. When I hear that someone else has said the three little words “I love you” to someone else, I reply to said person with four little words of my own: “I’m happy for you!” (Any commentary that “I’m” is a contraction will meet with the commentator being the subject of my next grammatical post: you have been warned) Now that all of my friends are well into adulthood, I trust them to make cogent decisions about their emotional well being. If they tell me they are in love, the best thing I can do as a friend or loved one myself is to congratulate them and hope it stays so.
Do yourself, your friends, and your loved ones a favor. The next time you hear someone proclaim that he or she is in love, wish them a lifetime of it and that it may stay with them for today and all of the days they have remaining. Parents have the prerogative of cautioning their children to love carefully, but let’s be realistic, here – how often do children follow the advice of their parents where matters of the heart are concerned? Do not “live and let live.” No. Instead “love and let love.” The world will be a better place for it.
—amoris—
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