i.6 the intuity of exploding
Every now and again, no matter how great a relationship one has with another, a disagreement is inevitable. Many times we are taught to avoid confrontation rather than dealing with issues as they arise. There are arguments pro and con for both approaches, which makes them situational.
Certainly, a relationship in which there is constant shouting, yelling, and disagreement is likely not the relationship of harmony most seeks in their lives as a goal. Conversely, sublime bliss and total harmony is likely a façade and if months on end go by without any disagreement, it is likely a symptom of lack of communication.
So: how to draw the line? Recently, I was very upset with a family member who, aside from remaining nameless, didn’t do some things he had promised me he would do. Initially, I was very angry and wanted to let him know (loudly) how disappointed I was. Thankfully for both of us, I had a chance to recognize that I wasn’t that upset about things, and in the end, it was a very casual conversation about doing things better next time.
In simpler terms, the old phrases to “sleep on it” or “take a breather” are both great starting points. But if you’re still upset after allowing some time to pass, then saying something is definitely the right path. How we approach confrontation is critical, though. When we’re really angry, we have a high level of emotions. The difference between a successful “explosion” versus a damaging one is the directedness of it. Yelling at someone is usually pointless – even children. However, making it clear that you’re upset about something a person did, with specifics, is the key.
Instead of, “I can’t believe you did that!” and then going into a litany of the crimes against you that this person has done, even in the same vocal levels shouting, “I’m so angry because you didn’t do A and it made me feel/caused me grief because of B!” Using the first situation, most people will have ceased listening due to a personal attack. This is instinctive, and it is a defense mechanism. The window of making a compelling argument is extended when you divert the attention from a person to something causally-related to the person.
It is inconceivable and unrealistic to expect that – as humans – we will never shout, raise our voices, get upset, or angry. However, it is foolish to assume that rage and anger will bring others around to understanding your own point of view. Remember that, presumably, you care enough about your relationship with someone to engage in a disagreement in order to resume a harmonious relationship. If you want that harmony, expect that your percussive statement will often have repercussions as well. If you can’t receive anger as well as you give it, your relationship will suffer.
The intuity of anger is often challengingly simplistic. We know why we are angry. Adeptly letting others know why we are angry and bringing about resolution are one of the primary keys to successful relationships.
—explōsiōn—
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