u.8 the utility of amicable disagreement

In life, it is a certainty that we will come across disagreement. Were we to live our lives in total solitude, we would still disagree with ourselves. It is not that we will disagree with others that is at issue, it is how we disagree with others that governs who we are as humans. The world is rife with disagreements, and in some ways, that’s how things should be. If we didn’t disagree, we’d never be exposed to new points of view and the subsequent growth that can come from those things. But, there are positive and negative ways of disagreeing, and it would seem to me that, in the last decade, I’ve seen more animosity in disagreement than in all of my past combined.

I’m often asked by others how I manage to be “so calm.” I’m neither calm (most of the time) nor am I am exemplar of that state of being on the best of days. I try, however, to be collected. That is to say, I focus on reigning in my emotional reactions to things until I have had a chance to process them and decide my reaction. This is neither an absolute nor a guarantee, but it’s how I try to live. First, I ask myself, “do I disagree because the opposing view is going to harm someone imminently?” If the answer to this is no, then a visceral reaction is unwarranted. Second, I ask myself, “Am I entitled to an opinion?”

The knee-jerk reaction of most people is that de facto they are entitled to an opinion. While that’s true to some extent, the second part that oft goes unasked by most is of paramount import: “does my opinion matter?” Here, I have figured that over 90% of the time it does not. Therefore, I discard my opinion and move on in life. If the situation manifests again, I may recall my previous reaction and reevaluate it, but barring that circumstance, it’s one less thing over which I need spend time thinking. If I disregard my opinion, then others can make no claim to it.

Recently, I was engaged in a conversation with an acquaintance over the hullabaloo about the edited Planned Parenthood videos. She was telling me that I should be outraged by them and complain to my congressional delegation. This is one of many reasons she remains an acquaintance and not a friend. My (polite) response to her tirade was, “I have no opinion on the matter.” She looked rather stunned, and said, “Of course you have an opinion! Everybody has an opinion!” I smiled slightly and said, “perhaps, but mine is irrelevant.” For those who wish to wade into the depths of my thought process, here is the abbreviated version:

1. Am I going to have an abortion?
   1. No
2. Is a woman going to abort a child that is also mine?
   1. No
3. Has any harm ever come to anyone in my family because of actions taken by Planned Parenthood?
   1. No
4. Do I have any right to tell a woman how to treat her body, and if I do, then does she have that same right to tell me how to treat mine?
   1. No
5. Have the courts ruled that abortion is legal?
   1. Yes
6. Am I in a position to overturn those rulings?
   1. No
7. If I had to pick one cause above all others to which I would devote my life, would defunding Planned Parenthood be that cause?
   1. No

• Result: my opinion doesn’t matter

—primum nolite iudicare an nocere—

November 28, 2015 | Categories: Utility | Tags: amicus, compromise, disagreement, forgiveness, humanity, openmindedness, relationships, self-worth | Leave a comment